like flames of fire

One of the most moving songs i've ever heard is a song called "Jesus, you're beautiful" by Jon Thurlow on the album "Strong Love".  The song begins: "I know that Your eyes are like flames of fire, I know that Your head is white as wool, I know that Your voice, it sounds like waters, Jesus, You’re beautiful". This song is referencing verses in the book of Revelation that describe the Lord. I've read these verses before in confusion. I could never really understand the significance or beauty of eyes being like flames of fire. I tend to think of negative things when i think of fire..a house engulfed in flames, destruction, horror movies, a traditional description of hell. So, this comparison always sort of threw me off. 

It threw me off until a few weeks ago as i sat and stared into a campfire. I've stared into campfires for hours upon hours over the years. What is it about a fire? Why? Why is it so captivating, comforting, mesmerizing? Why is it hard to take your eyes away? Why do i just want to keep staring?

I wonder if "eyes like flames of fire" is getting at this...What if when we look into his eyes, we never want to look away..because we are comforted, amazed, intrigued, captivated, home..

time in a bottle, food in a bucket.

      This blog is messy, sporadic, kind of meaningful and kind of embarrassing. I began writing at alittlemorerain.blogspot.com as an eighteen year old in the middle of my year living in Chile. A decade later i feel mild frustration with the fact that i can't categorize this blog as insight into any particular area or  time frame in my life, but truthfully i guess i don't care. It's always been hard to balance what gets expressed here versus what gets expressed in the equally messy paper journals i've been keeping since age eleven. At times i've posted once in a whole year. Sometimes life is too good to stop and write. Sometimes life is too horrific to stop and write. Still, i'd like to record as much as possible. I'm giving up on the pursuit of a theme or organized compartmentalization. But, I'm committed to writing here more frequently. There's something powerful about sending your thoughts out beyond your private journal pages...no matter if no one ever reads those thoughts. I'm tempted to copy and paste the more "immature" sounding posts from my "younger days" into a different forum, or start afresh on another format. I'm super embarrassed with some of the things i've sad, and the ways i've spelled things (enuf for enough, for example) for brevity..and that was BEFORE TEXTING!) But.. i say..oh well. I'm sure i'll be embarrassed by the things i write at 28 when i am 38. Writing, no matter the quality, is something i have to do. The important part is that, God willing, i'm still writing at 38. So, here's to (another) go at this messy old blog.

    Today, a spiritual leader i admire, Bill Johnson, posted the following: "To not give to the poor because of a fear they will misuse the money is a misuse of the money." It is incredibly refreshing to read this from a prominent spiritual leader..to hear it from anyone really. I know that people vary in their opinions on what it means to "responsibly" help others. I understand the fear behind giving something and suspecting it will be misused. However, i have always bristled at this sentiment. I'll be blunt..i think it's arrogant to hold the reins that tightly on what we think is "ours" when it isn't "ours" to give or not give to begin with. Everything you have is a gift. Yes, you may work hard, you may earn things, it is still all a gift from God.

     I'm not an expert on anything..and i have a lot to learn...but i've spent a lot of time talking with people who live on the streets. At the very heart of anything they could possibly want or need is..... RESPECT. If respect wasn't the primary issue, then it would be okay for someone to throw a few dollars at someone begging for money without looking at them. Most of us, no matter our opinion on giving, would agree that acting in such a way is unacceptable. The reason this is unacceptable is that it is completely devoid of respect. To treat someone as though they are worth more than their darkest day, biggest need, most embarrassing moment, is the real act of giving and love.

     To not give because of the fear of what will be done with your gift, is choosing to not TRUST the person you are giving to and not TRUST the Lord. To not give because of fear is a desperate clutch for control. It is based in fear..and pride.

     Let's say you have a few minutes to spare, and you choose to go buy a sandwich for someone, instead of handing them ten bucks. That seems like the perfect compromise..you are giving to someone, they are receiving something, and you can be sure that the gift will be put to good use, not exploited or misused. That is fantastic. But..even my view on this was rocked a few months ago....


     A friend and i were taking a rare lunch break at work and went to Subway for a meal. On the way we noticed a man in the parking lot. He looked weary, needy, and in despair. He had a bedroll and a sign. My friend and i wanted to help. Neither of us were opposed to giving him cash, but we didn't have any on us and we were getting sandwiches so we thought we would pick one up for him as well. As we approached him, we made small talk and offered him the sandwich. He seemed grateful but tired. His eyes shot to his left. "I have a whole bucket of food...". Indeed,.. there was a large (think construction site size) bucket FULL of food..sandwiches and burgers wrapped in familiar wrappers..more than any person could eat in a day,..most likely spoiling as we stood there...sure to be wasted..and just another heavy load for him to carry. The awkward combination of emotions he must have felt hit me hard. I'm sure he felt embarrassed. Embarrassed because he surely felt grateful, but didn't know how to express that without acknowledging the obvious FACT that what he was being offered was not only not what he needed, but was now becoming a burden. I'm also sure, more than anything, that he felt deep shame. That's how i would feel..I would feel shame, embarrassment, I would feel disrespected. At the end of the day, person after person made a decision to be generous to this man...and that is not something we should minimize. BUT...person after person..(including myself!) made a decision to give safely. Safe decisions that would eliminate our need to trust. The unfortunate result of the accumulation of safe decisions was that this man not only did not get what he needed, in any way.. he didn't get anything materially that could help him (money to make a phone call, money to save up towards housing, money to buy a meal tomorrow..) and he didn't get respect. 

      What did that bucket full of food speak to this gentleman? I think it would say to me.."people don't trust you..because you aren't trustworthy. Look at you! How could they trust you? How could anyone in your position possibly be capable of making a wise decision? How could anyone who looks like you be trusted with well earned cash? Your mistakes have gotten you here, and you will not make mistakes with my money. You are a bunch of mistakes."


     My hope is that i don't sound militant and harsh when making this point. I definitely don't think i am "above" the behavior I'm criticizing. Obviously i only came to this realization because I was the one making a safe decision. It just woke me up a little bit more in that moment. I've felt for a long while that choosing to not give based on fear is a wrong decision, through and through. Now i realize that it also matters what you give. Of course there is nothing wrong with giving someone a sandwich instead of cash...but let's make sure that whatever we choose to give, we are doing so because our hearts are moved and we do not edit our giving based on fear. Trust God with what you give..it's his in the first place. And, trust the person to whom you are giving...who is a person, just like you or i, who happens to be in the pits..where we all find ourselves at one time or another. None of us is truly deserving, but all of us are worthy of respect. An act of investing TRUST in someone is powerful beyond providing something of caloric or monetary value. Give the gift of encouraging someone to dare to believe that they are worth trusting, worth respect, worth love.

list

i've severely neglected this space. throwing some words up every now and then, years apart. but i won't scrap it altogether..it's been alive too long. so maybe i'll have a renewed effort to write, because i've had more spinning days lately that lead me to a need to process (ramble) more.

time is so weird. that's a big understatement. it's also obvious. but as with most things that are cliche, it is true. what makes me panic and feel like i'm running out of time while i am still so young? i hold fast to the Madeline L'Engle quote that we are "all the ages we've ever been". I feel like there is something liberating in that sentence. acknowledging this notion that is quite factual gives us the freedom to not drag ourselves from every trace of the ages of the past. freedom to not feel obligated to let go of an age we grow out of . freedom to hold on. freedom to evolve without harsh and rigid fragmentation. because there are days i feel 7. days i feel 10. days i feel 15. and it's lately been one long stretched out day of feeling 20-something.

i'm also struggling a lot with feeling rushed. there is much to be done. much i want to do, as well as much i feel i have to do. things i need to accomplish in my life. things i feel i need resolve or certainty about. things i regret not cultivating sooner. it's a mash of things. but the core of the matter is remembering to be patient and forgiving with ourselves. to not give up on what we can become, no matter when we start. i think it would do all of us some good to make a real, pen to paper list of the things we are done in the past years. for me i would start at age 20. i feel like the ages of 20-27 have been a big blur. a big blur filled with some extravagant joy but much pain. confusion. loss. on this list we should not only include things we have "accomplished", but things we have survived. surviving takes time and effort too. the education we have or have not received, the jobs we have or have not labored at; these things are important to list..but what is perhaps most important is what we have learned. what we have experienced. moments of overwhelming beauty and survival of the moments that gutted us.

whenever i start to feel panic, or fear, or inadequacy, or regret, i need to remember what i have learned, what i have done, felt, experienced, and survived. record the times you were blasted back to the bottom of the mountain and started anew, not just the times you approached the summit. be forgiving and patient with yourself. don't give up on what has burned within you. keep burning, and do what it is you cannot live without. i need to start living like this.

the third

They say that a tragedy or death in the family can lead to one of two outcomes. It can either bring folks together, or shatter the unit to pieces. There’s a third..this is it. The shattering happens. Blown to bits. A new reality crashes into years of something else and issues a challenge to retain stability. We become different people, the years ahead look different, and everything is labeled as before or after. A new closeness tries to grow, though painfully, it’s made of desperate clinging to what remains, and a flustered effort to create new beauty so to prove that it might come again. Years after, when you realize that big laughs are still possible, and conversation about the one you miss comes easily and with some speck of joy, you look around at the others trudging with you and love them ferociously, more than before. That is the closeness that comes. But the break shows up. It doesn’t go away. There’s always a fragmentation, a big scar, the knowing that for all the beauty re-grown, it could be better. The evidence reverberates through the months. That’s the shattering, and those pieces don’t come back together.

High Tide!

"Every one of us is called upon, probably many times, to start a new life. A frightening diagnosis, a marriage, a move, loss of a job... And onward full tilt we go, pitched and wrecked and absurdly resolute, driven in spite of everything to make good on a new shore. To be hopeful, to embrace one possibility after another -- that is surely the basic instinct...crying out: High Tide! Time to move out into the glorious debris. Time to take this life for what it is" - Barbara Kingsolver, High Tide in Tucson

It's very interesting to me how we come to points in life where we feel as if we have it all figured out. Certainly, you learn some foundational things and store them away in the well of wisdom that influences how you see the world, but really it's never all figured out. As soon as the dust settles from one circumstantial uproar, we find ourselves in a new foreign land with more figuring out to do. I also find it interesting to realize how often we think we know how we would respond in a specific situation. You can have your plan, but until you are in the midst of something new and unfamiliar, it sure is a daunting thing to navigate. And so, we do our best, or maybe we don't always do our best, but we make decisions based on what we are convinced of at the time. It's all really one big hope, isn't it? Hoping to see the results we yearn to create with each decision.

Think about the last time you looked back on a situation, and realized how blindsided you really were. Surely it happens over and over. We are creatures of reaction, response.

There is really no point in all of this speculation except to, really, ponder the nature of all these junctures in our lives, the unexpected, sometimes heavy, sometimes light, junctures that interrupt our "plans".

What is most amazing to me is looking back on the "regretted" times. Inching back to take a look at a situation that did not go well, a situation we messed up, whether through action or inaction. Or maybe we just walked up to one of those dark walls in life, the ones that aim to block the rest of our path. These pop up all the time. The amazing part is knowing, remembering, realizing, that each and every dark, ruined, confusing, worthless, wasteful, peace lacking situation can. be. redeemed. 

Good growing live things can come from the most barren places. There is nothing we can mess up so badly that it can't be nursed back to a new beginning, one with purpose. There is no harm we can do, no pain we can create, no opportunity we overlook, that is all for nothing.

It is mostly difficult to remember this. But sometimes it is so clear that it's like an accidental glance straight into the sun. We are hurting in remembering the mess, but astounded at what we see.

Light from Dark. Mourning into Dancing. Ashes into Beauty.

It doesn't really make sense. Most beautiful things don't. But it is so true.

Isaiah 61 

      beauty instead of ashes, 
       the oil of gladness 
       instead of mourning, 
       and a garment of praise 
       instead of a spirit of despair. 
       They will be called oaks of righteousness, 
       a planting of the LORD 
       for the display of his splendor.

 ⁴ They will rebuild the ancient ruins 
       and restore the places long devastated; 
       they will renew the ruined cities 
       that have been devastated for generations.

Lamentations 3

You came near when I called you, 
       and you said, "Do not fear."

 ⁵⁸ O Lord, you took up my case; 
       you redeemed my life.

the plan

sometimes we gotta pull it together, get up and make it a mission to take care of ourselves. chin up. go through the sorrow, not around it. dig deep in the pain, don't walk over it. acknowledge the discomfort and get what you can out of it... for this is how we learn.

it's like making yourself do something cause you know you need to do it. it's like jumping in to something that you might otherwise fear because you know you're meant to experience it. 

it's also stopping. i've become extremely proficient at plugging my ears, walking fast, and talking loud. .. in other words. i'm not reflecting. i'm not thinking. i'm not praying. i'm not creating. i'm not writing. i'm not resting. even at rest, good rest, and even the bad kind of "rest" where you're just wasting time...i block it out. my ears are closed, my feet are moving, my mind is resisting, my heart is stopped.

and so... i have to start and stop. stop and listen, start and move. i've got to be strong, and be okay with being vulnerable. 

so okay..i'm listening. i'm slowing down to listen and starting to walk back towards home.  even if it's scary, even if it hurts, there's living to do, change to be made and nourishment that is much needed.

this may make no sense. put it in your own context. no more breath-holding, no more waiting, no more trying to outrun what you know you need, and at the end of the day, what you truly want.

life

Well, i've all but abandoned this blog for a long long time. Lots has changed and more changes are afoot. I recently made a really difficult, but i hope worthwhile, decision to leave my job and go back to school. I'm a student, and if all goes well i'll have my masters of social work in one year. I'm a bit overwhelmed and intimidated by the intense schedule, but i'm also excited to learn new things and challenge myself. It was really really hard to leave my job. Even just the process of deciding had me in such turmoil. As usual, i was expecting the absolute worst of reactions from my coworkers, and fearing that everything that could go wrong would go wrong. Luckily I was not correct in my assumptions and while it still wasn't easy, my coworkers were so supportive and loving and made the transition much easier. 

I worried about everything I could worry about. I was worried that people would misunderstand my decision and think that by leaving i was looking for something "better", looking to "move up". While I am continuing my education so that i'll have more opportunities, it's not really about "let's see how much better i can do". It's kind of a weird situation because honestly, i feel like this first job was among the best i'll ever have, and i say that with complete confidence. This is what made it so hard to leave. It was such a challenging, complex job that often left my brain spinning and my heart heavy. BUT, it was all worth every second! The kids and families i was able to work with, my amazing coworkers and team, each person made every day, even the ones i never thought i would make it through, not only bearable, but a blessing. My eyes were opened even further to the great great need for advocacy and comprehensive help for families in need, families & children who have been victims of some of the most unimaginable acts. Please inform yourself and others of the reality of child abuse and how present it is in our communities. 

Okay, so, it's been a busy and sorta sad time finishing up everything at work, and now i'm on the other side of my first week of school. As i mentioned before, the pace is a little frightening, but i know i'm going to learn a lot and that is what i'm excited about. It will be hard work, but it will be good.

In other news, this summer i have to move out of my beautiful house. I'm really sad about it and i'm already starting to miss it! Of course the reason for this is even more sad, my dear amazing friend Effie is moving away to do some grad school of her own. I feel like one by one all those nearest and dearest are moving away and, well, it sucks! I've lived with Effie for years and years and she's one of those friends that is essentially family. I'm blessed to have many "sisters" like her, and i'm sad to lose her to Louisiana. It's one of those things, as with others who have already left, where i know we will always be friends. I know our lives will always be intertwined in one way or another, perhaps some years our communication will be a little sparse and others it will be like she never left..but really, it's just not the same when you can't be in the same room with a dear friend. The comfort of friends who know everything about you, and still love you. The comfort of friends who know you inside and out and know what drink to order for you at Sonic and you can laugh with deliriously at 3 am while you roll up the rug, put on party dresses, and attempt to learn the Austrian Lindler from Julie Andrews as you watch The Sound of Music. the comfort of friends you can sob with and have terrible days alongside, the comfort of friends who will remind you who you are and what you love and what you're made for and what you need to do, even if you don't want to hear it. Effie is one of those people in my life, and oh how i will miss her! So, there's that. I am hoping that these next few months crawl by slowly, so we can all fit in many day trips to the river, meandering at the farmer's market and other summertime fun activities.

Aside from all of this, i've been thinking lately about how apt i am to wish i could change this or that about my life, i guess we all do it. But the periods of doing that grow shorter and shorter, because i'm usually able to remind myself of the times when i'm so thankful that things are just exactly as they are. I mean, things could always be better in some way, but i know i have it pretty good. I feel blessed to be part of the family i'm a part of, and part of the friend circle i'm a part of. And though there are certain things in life i wish i could fast forward to, or rewind to, or pause, i really just need to be content with where i'm at, what i've done, and what is left undone for now. I read a great quotation today.. "It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop" -Confucius. While this doesn't encompass all the wisdom in the world, i think it packs a lot of power into a little sentence. It's true, just keep going. Not everything can be done today, and you can't accomplish everything you want to right now. You may need a rest and a drink and a break from it all, and still it's okay. Just keep going, even if it's at an itty bitty snail's pace. In addition to this, i can painfully remember times in my life when i was just struggling against the current state of things, pushing and pulling to change what was. In times when i was fighting hard against it all, i skidded to the realization, eventually, and usually via the forceful intervention of another, that things were as they were for a reason, and i needed to stop, shut it, and be thankful. So that's what i strive to do.

On the other side of this, maybe not the opposite side but somewhere around the corner and a little to the left, i am struggling with a lot of decisions. I'm handling some things okay, but i also feel like i've made a mess of a lot of things. I've come to this mess by way of striving to be very  independent, and in the meantime becoming very selfish, desiring to do as i wanted when i wanted, and make my own everything. This involved a lot of time not praying, a lot of ignoring God, hence the struggle. So i'm trying now, desperately, to work my way out and around and to the top of my messes, hopefully repairing some things and doing some healing on the way. I realize this is rather cryptic, but as with most important things in life, it sorta needs to be, for now.

Well, i'm home to my old habit of staying up too late to ramble and post, and now it's time for some sleep. I hope to start writing now, either here or elsewhere, so stay tuned!

every intention.

i'm sitting here in my room, listening to patty griffin sing beautifully, listening to the thunder boom beautifully, thankful for the darkness and gray skies and green leaves outside my window. i have a thousand things to write about but i'm in the midst of working diligently (except for this pause ;) ) trying to unpack and organize and clean. here's to hoping it's all sorted out soon and then i will meet my every intention and post!

i leave you with some words i've been loving:

"In spite of illness, in spite even of the archenemy sorrow, one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways" - Edith Wharton

why am i still awake?

let's make that into a statement with an explanation following..
why i am still awake:

i don't know. i had every intention of hitting the hay extra early tonight since it's been a kindof rough and busy weekend. i failed. here's what i'm realizing.....i'm not processing anything. i haven't written in months..journaled..played any sort of music...i've not really even been singing much...i haven't been praying much at all until just recently..i haven't been taking time to think through things and settle my mind and heart. i just fill every moment with some sort of distraction so i don't have time to sit and think and realize and ponder and wonder. this isn't to say that in the past few months i haven't had good times, or reflective times..its just that i realize that this is what i do when im trying to outrun things, when i don't want to stop, because it will probably hurt.

so with all of that said... i need to slow down. this does not necessarily mean doing less..in fact, there are plenty of things i need to be doing that i'm not. it means that i need to be more careful and intentional with my time, and i need to stop neglecting, hiding out and instead look things full on and take some time to breathe and take it all in.

i also need to sleep more. let this be my first goal and let me put this effort into action approximately NOW. Goodnight. :)

Young at Heart

"The great thing about growing older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been" - Madeleine L'Engle

I've always loved this quote. It's true! I tihnk that we are better able to accept the passing of time when we realize that when we say hello to a new year, a new age we haven't known before, we aren't saying goodbye to 4, 7, 10, 16, 22, etc. You will always have part of these past ages with you...and you are both 11 and 52 forever!

I have lots to write about but I wanted to share the following link with you..if it doesn't inspire you and warm your heart (and make you laugh!) I don't know what will :) I'm looking forward to being part of something like this one day.... (be sure to look them up on youtube for some great performances!)

Young at Heart Chorus